People.
Working with them can be tiresome. And you know what I’m talking about. Right now, you’re picturing someone who has made your life difficult—maybe because she can’t find anything pleasant to say. Maybe because his sarcasm grates on your nerves. Perhaps because she seems to willfully misunderstand everything you say, seeing awful intentions where you meant no harm. Maybe he’s a Class A manipulator. It’s sadly easy to conjure images of those who rub us raw.
My question is this: How many of you pictured yourself?
Once, I’d have pictured a thousand faces before my own.
When Boyfriend-Who-Is-My-Husband and I arrived on Polish soil, we were part of a ministry team. A sizeable ministry team. Singles, couples, families—some spunky and extroverted, some goal-oriented, some who preferred ministry-in-the-background. God did an extraordinary job of bringing together the body of Christ . . . different parts, members of one body.
At least He brought us to the same geographic location. We had to learn to put differences aside and strive together as one man for the sake of the gospel. And let me tell you, sometimes it felt impossible.
The Hands couldn’t grasp how the Feet worked. The Brains, Mouths, and Hearts misunderstood one another.
Stuck inside the bulk of the time, I played the role of Ear. I’ve always been a good listener. I don’t know what it is exactly, but people often open up to me, sharing their struggles, hopes, dreams. I love to hear them, to encourage them in any way I can. I’ve even heard a few times, that exhortation is my spiritual gift. The first several months on the field, though, my listening was, ahem, problematic.
It started innocently enough. I asked other young women how I could pray for them, and proverbial floodgates opened. Words, frustrations, hurt, and loneliness rushed at me, and I absorbed what I could, seeking to pinpoint the problem. There were needs, it seemed, left and right, and our supervisors—consumed with their own ministries and struggles—were leaving the girls to handle their own trials. And miscommunication was rampant. Hearts were wounded and left in the cold all over the place.
So I did what any compassionate, loving soul would do. I wrote an email—wait for it—offering my services to the supervisor as an ambassador of sorts. I’d listen to the complaints of the team members and bother him with only those things that were serious concerns.
Yikes. I cringe at my green audacity. Who in the world did I think I was?
I can imagine (now) what our supervisor must’ve thought of me. I wonder how he wanted to react . . . what he would’ve said to me if he hadn’t prayed over his response first. And I find myself uber-grateful that he is a man who seeks God’s direction before he speaks.
I got an email back. The man pulled no punches. By listening, he said, I caused division. I was a catalyst for gossip. Things were difficult enough for everyone without drama and behind-his-back complaining. While I was right to pray for my teammates, I was wrong to till the soil for seeds of contention and roots of bitterness. I was acting in sin, and it needed to stop immediately.
My saucer-wide eyes filled with instant tears as each word stung me. Every possible rationalization flung itself into my head.
And every one of them fell flat.
He was right. He’d spoken complete, 100% truth. I should’ve held up a hand and encouraged each of my team members to share their concerns with him. One-on-one. Matthew 18. Like he had done with me, handling it quietly and personally.
I wrote back. “You’re right. I am so sorry. Please forgive me.” What else could I say?
He didn’t reply.
The next time we were scheduled to work in the office together, my stomach did somersaults all morning. “Woozy” doesn’t do it justice.
And then he came in and smiled at me. He admitted to being completely surprised at my response. He’d assumed I’d argue and try to justify my behavior. My humble agreement had taken him off guard. And he would certainly forgive me.
Things began to improve.
Oh, I made countless more mistakes. I’ll share a handful more in the rest of the series. But I recognized a truth I hadn’t realized would affect me so deeply on the field. The Enemy knows that if believers distrust one another, resent one another, gossip and slander one another, their ministry is virtually ineffective. And he knows how to strike where it hurts.
Don’t get me wrong. God will always accomplish His purposes. With or without us. But how unfortunate that He must leave us balking in the dust as He works around our obstinacy.
We ought to be malleable. Willing to peek into the looking glass and see what we’re up against.
The important thing for all believers is that, in all our busyness and goings on, in our businesses and homes, churches and communities, we need to be peacemakers. Not instigators. (Cluelessness that we’re trouble-starters doesn’t let us off the hook.
We’ve got to be willing to go under the knife. Allow the Holy Spirit to cut deep and show us the condition of our own hearts.
In my life, He’s shown me how exceedingly culpable I am, how prone to sin and selfishness . . . I’ve learned the value of humble introspection.
Psalm 139 : 23-24 says, “God, examine me and know my heart. Test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any bad thing in me. Lead me in the way you set long ago.” (ICB)
Thoughts? Anyone willing to share a story? An area where God’s revealed you need some work and then shown Himself strong on your behalf?
Oh, Bethany. Reading this, it’s hard not to let so many old wounds re-open….some wounds that, in reality, have probably never healed properly. This issue remains, in my heart and in my memory, the most difficult from my years on the field. I have had to learn how to let things go that will never be resolved this side of heaven. Thanks for this post and this series, as well. 🙂 I appreciate it!
As one of the girls who complained (i.e. asked for prayer hahaha) to you, I am sorry!!! I will say thought the entire time we were one the field together you were nothing but encouraging to me and I am thankful you were there. I remember all the strife on our team and as I look back I think about how important those months were for growing me up. It’s amazing how God uses what was stressful, hurtful and crazy to draw us closer to Him and teach us life lessons. One of those for me was that while I am not perfect (and in fact I am so deeply flawed it is not even funny) so were all the people around me, and yet God still used us (or allowed us to be present in Poland for Him) to share his word and to be there for each other. I think previous to this, I still held a view that there was something wrong with me, but everyone else was doing great.
All that to say, Wow, God was amazing in how he worked out that team and how everything fell the way it was supposed too. Love you lady and even though we NEVER see each other, know I think about you guys and pray for you all the time.
BTW, Katie I think it is awesome that we were reading and commenting at the same time!
@Katie, I wish I were hugging you right now. Know this: God is faithful to continue using our past experiences to grow us today. I find myself reminded often that there’s no statute of limitations on forgiveness (with or without conversations and apologies). God can heal whatever wounds you carry even now, and knowing how our SC responded to my apology and heard my heart, I’d encourage you to touch base with him if you need to. I had a few reconciling conversations years after the fact, and I’m blown away by God bringing glory to Himself in the midst of our misconceptions and selfishness. I’m so glad He’s about Himself and not about simply making me comfortable. In the long run, it’s sanctifying, glorifying, and worth every tear.
And just so you know, I’ve still got a few tough conversations to go. Part of me fears that reconciliation won’t happen this side of heaven, but that’s not my battle to take on.
@Karey, it did grow us, didn’t it? We’re all flawed. I’m so glad this post brought back sweet memories as well as the difficult ones. The missionfield is a bittersweet experience, rich with God’s love and unfolding plan in our lives. I miss you so much, and think of all of you way more often than you realize. God used you to teach me so many things. 🙂
Love you ladies!
Bethany… this is where healing begins. This is where you can separate the willing and the wanting. Your willingness to be transparent is the open door to learning. I can’t learn anything from anyone who gives me a 5 step process for ultimate whatever. I learn from broken, messed up people because I am broken and messed up myself. Thank you for your obedience and your faith.
Oh Bethany, this is wonderful! Keiki hit the nail on the head, for sure. No one wants a comforter who has no scars. One of the most difficult aspects of being a Christian is learning to live in the tension and doing it with the peace of Christ. Finding the grace and maturity to live in the reality of what is despite what we believe it ought to be. Living with the unknown and realizing the only thing we have control (and even at times that is questionable) is ourselves and it us, as individuals, who will stand in account for that. Beautiful! Thanks for sharing.
BWIMH here…this was a very hard thing for me to go through as well. I was at first very upset that anyone would talk to my girlfriend that way, but as the gut reaction of the flesh died away and the truth set in, I too was being shaped. It is always easy to support our loved one when they are doing everything well, but in those times of repentance and change it is harder. We had to walk through tears together but in the end, I was changed. I have learned to approach people with more grace and humility. I learned that for the sake of Christ, sometimes we can’t just “pray about it” and ignore others’ offenses. Bethany, keep going! I see the Holy Spirit working great things in your life. I am proud to call you my wife. Thanks for your courage to put it all out there.
–your loving BWIYH–
I enjoyed your post Bethany. There are always things that happen between a group of people that are hard. I think the majority of it has to do with a lack of honest communication when misunderstandings occur. I think that sometimes we let past hurts keep us from thinking that people have good intentions or our best at heart. Striving toward “peace with everyone” has beocme my motto of late. It’s not always easy for me because I’m not a person that easily lets things slide. I like to be direct with people and get things out in the open. I think there are times for that, but not always. And I think that is what God has been teaching me over the years. Thankfully, my husband is usually wise and has been helping me to learn that not every hill is a hill to die on.
Thanks for sharing, Deborah
I find it is easiest to learn a profound lesson when my teacher has already lived through it. You’ve given me much to think about.
@ Keiki, “5 step program for ultimate whatever.” Ha. Don’t sign me up for any of those either. 😉 Thanks for the encouragement. God is so good in the midst of our brokenness, isn’t He?
@ Lesley, I loved this: “Finding the grace and maturity to live in the reality of what is despite what we believe it ought to be.” Those preconceived notions can be beasts, eh? But we can trust that God isn’t surprised with our circumstances, and He’ll equip us to walk through them. Well.
@ BWIMH, you are too sweet. I love you mucho, and I’m thankful for your “always support.”
@ Deborah, you are so right. “I think that sometimes we let past hurts keep us from thinking that people have good intentions or our best at heart.” So true. Sadly, we can let past hurts cause us to expect the same of others, rather than trusting in goodwill and good intentions. That distrust is like a minefield. Though we may have different personalities and life-shaping experiences, God bring His people together to serve, and our differences are a testimony to His creative majesty. It’s a beautiful thing when people can “improvise, adapt, and overcome” to His glory. 😉
@ Cynthia, so very glad. Grace and peace to you.
Thank you for handling this topic with integrity, sensitivity, and confidentiality. I too find that the psalmist’s request for God to examine his own heart in #139 is definitely the place to begin.
I’m so thankful I’ve kept up with this series of posts.
May God bless you as you continue,
Sandra Lovelace
You are so very welcome. Thank YOU for keeping up with it. 🙂 (Rah! Rah! Rah!) You know what I mean.
It’s amazing how we can deceive ourselves thinking we are doing good when in fact we aren’t! How open to God’s correction you were (and I assume, are) A wonderful, transparent example.
@ Marcia, you made me smile. I’d totally snowed myself. Good intentions do not a righteous woman make. 🙂
Just wanted to add – I have a super wonderful relationship now with our former SC and family. Have seen them a number of times since leaving the field and they are like a spiritual mom and dad to me. So thankful for them. 🙂
@ Katie, so glad to hear that. They’re incredible mentors, and BWIMH and I look back at our early years in Poland as some of the most reforming times in our lives. 🙂